We never had a Rumpus Room like Ryan Schaffer. Now we tell our stepmoms we want bunk bed wall nooks and Emerald Berber carpet (the kind that makes you feel safe as a kid) or the stepmom-in-question can deliver a townhouse with fluffy luxury-style carpet (something a new Pulte-style home would have on “Day One”).

We kindly ask our stepmoms to provide us with thoughtful interior relics—items that will make our friends jealous when we invite them over for internet mischief and video games. We need our friends to return on a consistent basis so we can repeat the same activities until we have a falling out.

Our stepmoms will make the townhomes look like little luxury cruise ships (not like a cruise ship from that obsessive Harper’s Magazine essay by David Foster Wallace, but something cool like a mahogany fun-ship). It is essential we have these things because kids at school will torment us if we do not. (However, they will also torment us if we have a surplus of luxury—so it’s best our stepmoms find a healthy Goldilocks level of suburban luxury.)

If a stepmom is unable to provide acceptable townhouse decor, we are OK with something thought-provoking—like gutting out the whole living room and placing large faux-fur bean bags everywhere. She’s trying her best and we’ll never forget that.

Below is a compilation of images created by Postmodern Palace (MST) speaking to the sentiments stated above.